


how far, how far?

by starknight



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Childhood Memories, First Kiss, Gallifrey, Other, POV First Person, POV The Master (Doctor Who), Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starknight/pseuds/starknight
Summary: You kissed me like you were drowning for it, like you’d die if you didn’t have me that second. You’ve always kissed like that, and I’ve always been a sucker for it.
Relationships: The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	how far, how far?

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate this isn't the most coherent thing I've ever written but that finale gave me all the Doctor/Master feels I've been harbouring since I was 13 so uhhhh yeah I wanted to write this. Let me know if you like it with kudos and/or comments! It's my first fic in Who, please be nice to me ♥♥♥

You were always special. And you always knew it.

You always pretended like you didn’t, though. It annoyed the fuck out of me. You annoyed the fuck out of me. Still do. Always.

Annoyed is better than the rest of my mind.

Do you remember when we used to run through the streets together? Sun poking through the thatched roofs of market stands, dust sliding between our toes, sweaty hand grabbing sweaty hand.

Wait for me! Doctor! I’d call.

You’d turn, and you’d hold out a hand. Smile. Wait for me.

I could hear my heartbeat in those moments, but it wasn’t like it usually was. It didn’t overpower me, drumbeats pounding in my ears, trying to burst out my head. No. With you, my heartbeat was warm. Steady. 

Being alive felt good.

What about when you passed me notes in class? We were learning about regeneration, and the limit on it. We already knew about all of that, of course. The second my mother told me about regeneration, I’d raced over to your house, and we’d run to the library. Discovered the secrets of the world together.

Right. The Academy.

We were learning about things we already knew. My response was to rest a leg on the empty chair next to me, tip my head onto the desk, and tap an unending rhythm onto the hard wood. Until I felt something hit my head.

Pssst, you whispered.

I jolted up, found the paper on the ground, tried not to look too eager while I unravelled it.

(Who am I kidding? You knew. I knew. We both knew.)

_ Meet me by the Pazithi tonight. I want to show you something. _

My heartbeat steadied. I looked up. Golden hair and silver eyes shone right at me, and what could I do but smile back?

The Pazithi was our local theatre. It had been closed for years before we were born, and as such, it was every young Timelord’s ideal meeting place. I crept in that night. It was empty and quiet except for a single projector light left on, dust motes swirling in the sliver of blue.

The seat was scratchy. I shouldn’t have worn my short skirt, but it was so hot that summer. I hooked my legs over the arm of the seat, leaned back on the other arm, wood digging into my back, and waited.

And waited.

_ Dun-dun dun-dun. _

And waited.

_ Dun-dun dun-dun. _

Wait.

**_Dun-dun dun-dun._ **

Those beats… they weren’t in my head. They were coming from the stage. I looked up, looked properly, and -  _ did you hire a fucking smoke machine, Doctor? And you call me dramatic. _

You pushed your way through the smoke, flapping it aside with a great whoosh of your coat, and grabbed the microphone.

You started to sing. And you roped three others, I can’t remember their names, they weren’t important, you roped them into backing for you. For us.

And so the Gallifrey Hot Five began.

Our band lasted less than a year, as bands are bound to do. I wanted to keep going. 

Can’t we just be the Gallifrey Hot Two? I pleaded. Asked.

We don’t need a name for just us, you said. We can just be us. We can just sing together.

So we did.

_ If you really loved me, would you follow me? _

_ How far, how far? _

_ The end of time or the edge of space, _

_ How far, how far? _

_ Could you make the choice, no matter what it takes? _

_ And how far would you go? _

_ How far? How far? _

It was our favourite song. It didn’t matter that it was cheesy, or that it was top of the charts, or that it was going to go out of date next week. It was ours.

Do you remember when I snuck into your house in the dead of night that one time? You wrung your hands while I slid up the window, terrified it’d make noise, and then whooped with glee when it didn’t.

(Well, I never said you weren’t an idiot.)

I pushed it shut and shivered. Even within the citadel, Gallifreyan winter felt like it was designed to weed out the weak.

You snuggled back down into your bed. I hadn’t noticed you were wearing cat pyjamas. Killer cat pyjamas. Of course.

Come on, you said, and held up the covers. Get in.

We’d done the same since we were kids. It was normal. Wasn’t it? I could feel my heartbeat steadying, calming, evening out.

Fine, I said, and got in.

You breathed in at how cold I was, but you didn’t move from where I laid my skin against yours. You stayed there, and I could see the sliver of moonlight reflecting in your eyes. Silver over silver.

_ Dun-dun dun-dun. _

But I -

_ Dun-dun dun-dun. _

It wasn’t me.

_ Dun-dun dun-dun. _

I curled a hand around your wrist, and when I felt your pulse, I understood. You breathed warm against my lips.

I didn’t realise how still we’d been until you shifted. You shifted, a tiny movement, and it made your arm slide against mine, brought your chest an inch closer. It was all we needed.

You kissed me like you were drowning for it, like you’d die if you didn’t have me that second. You’ve always kissed like that, and I’ve always been a sucker for it.

I’ve always wanted to be special. Feeling special was close enough. For a while.

Three years, specifically. Those three years were the happiest of my life. The drums faded in the glow of you, in the haze we lived in. We could do anything. Be anyone. We dreamed of the rest of our life every night, talked of exploring planets and meeting all the people of the universe. We dreamed of swearing our bond in front of the Citadel. We dreamed of a TARDIS to call home. 

There’s another dream, too, which I almost can’t bring myself to remember. I wonder if you ever think of it. I do. I’ve never really stopped.

One night I was on my way to you when I heard it start again.

_ Dun-dun dun-dun. _

It was coming from a path I knew well. I followed it, down and down through the empty night streets, until I came to the library. 

I don’t want to remember this next bit. I hate it and I hate myself and I hate you for it. If I hadn’t followed the drums that night, maybe they would have stayed away. Maybe we could have been together and had the children we dreamed of and -

Stop it.  _ Stop it. _

I went to the library, and I found it. The legend of the Timeless Child. The legend of you. I shrank to the size of an inch when I realised it, when I suddenly knew who you were, and why you were special.

I thought you were special to me. But you weren’t. You were just special. And I hated it.

I didn’t tell you, of course, because it would have driven you mad like it did me. It still might, now that you know. Isn’t it crazy to think of that? That we might see the universe in the same way again? That we both know the real truth?

Anyway. After that, it all changed, and I couldn’t dream with you like I used to. It hurt you. I could see it in the way your eyes turned from silver to grey. But I couldn’t stop, not with the drums opening up inside me again.

I’m bored. Let’s fast-forward. Time Wars, blah blah blah, trying to take over Earth, then again, three times, I lose count, let’s just skip it all. So here we are. Just you and me.

Your hair is golden again. I want to pretend like I don’t like it. But you know me, don’t you? You know when I look at you, when I come close, blue light illuminating your face, that I still feel it.

The drums steady again. It’s the opposite of intoxicating - you liberate me. Come on, don’t you want this forever? You came with me too easily, stepped right into the paralysis field. You want this. You do.

You don’t talk back like you usually do. You follow me into the Matrix. You believe me. You take it all in, and I can’t help but feel my heartbeat steady further, until it’s as slow as feet moving through water.

Also, if you don’t mind: please push me down again. It’s the best thing I’ve felt since I died in your arms.

You must know I don’t really care about the Cyber Time Lord thingies. It was a fun experiment, sure, but they’re unstable, and I seriously doubt we’d make it off Gallifrey. But I talk it up, and you’re still so gullible, so you come in place of your little human companions. You take a bomb, and you attach the death particle, and can’t you  _ see? _

You’re just so predictable.  _ Death particle? _ How original.

Go on, then. I know you won’t. Press the button. End it. End this. End us.

You can’t, can you?

And why not?

Oh, yeah. That’s right. You don’t want to die. 

More importantly, you don’t want  _ me  _ to die.

So you don’t press the button. You stare at me, and your eyes are brown-green now, but you’re still you and I still want you with every fibre of my being. 

There’s an awkward silence. 

What now? I ask. You can’t do it. For a moment, I thought… but no.

You look down, and I see it, just for a second. Your shoulders are bent with the weight you carry, all the responsibility of every world in every time crushing you slowly. Is this what pity feels like? Is it pity that reaches down a hand to help you up?

I can hear the stupid cyber things creak with confusion around us. Say what you will, Doctor, but they have feelings, they’re just very dumb.

You look at me. Your hand is sweaty in mine. Your breath is warm on my lips.

I order the cyberbullies (close enough) to power down, and they fall around us. You startle, start to look around, but I take your chin and draw you in.

You taste of desperation. And… jammy dodgers? 

Have you been stress-eating? 

Shut up, you mumble, and then you make me shut up. You grab my coat and crush me to you, kissing me with your whole body, and then we’re both crying. It’s like you said, all this history, it’s surfacing again, and it tastes of salt. 

Fuck, but I missed the way you kiss.

I wonder if we’ll ever know how long we stayed there. It’s not a moment either of us could measure with time.

But you break off eventually, because of course you do. You push me away, and you look pale, you look shaky. 

Why? You ask. Isn’t all of this enough? Do you have to break me too?

That one hurts.

The drums are steady, I say. They’re always steady with you.

Your lip trembles. If I stayed, you begin, voice shaking, would you not destroy the universe?

Stayed? I repeat.

If I… If we… If we were together.

Together?

Together.

I swallow, and say, Um. Not sure how to process that.

Understandable, you reply. You sit down on the ground cross-legged and look up at me. Waiting for my decision.

What would we do? I ask.

Explore, you say. Meet the people of the universe.

Aren’t I too dangerous?

Probably. Always loved a challenge.

Doctor, I say, and it’s not the way I usually say it, not a challenge, not a call to war. It’s a plea.

You take me in your arms. You hold me while I cry, just the way you used to. 

You smell good in this new regeneration.

I know, right? You say. You grin like an idiot. Come on, then.

What, right away?

Got something better to do?

I suppose not, I mutter, and you take my hand in yours. I can feel your pulse against mine, thrumming slow and steady. It’s all golden, shining and right.

It would have made me retch as a teenager. But I’m too tired of fighting it. Of fighting you.

Let’s just be together, okay? 

Okay.

**Author's Note:**

> [come yell at my tumblr](https://gay-star-knight.tumblr.com/)


End file.
